Chasing Rainbows

I got a card in the mail the other day from my high school asking me to update my profile in their alumni database. Thinking about those days brings back unpleasant memories.

Like most people in the spanking scene, I can’t pinpoint an exact moment when the kink activated itself in my head; it’s something I’ve felt inside me for a long, long time. I don’t know if it contributed to the fact that I’ve always felt “different” than other people or if being different was the cause of my spanking desires. I do know that for the longest time, especially in my teen years, I felt a great deal of alienation from the people around me. This is nothing earth shattering. I think most people in their confused teens go through periods of feeling alone.

My sexuality and desire for spanking erupted around the age of eleven. I had always been intrigued by spanking (even before I was double-digits in age) but had not connected it with sexual feelings until I hit puberty. This was also the point in my life when my parents style of parenting really started to affect me. My parents provided me with heaping doses of ridicule and shame from the time I was old enough to be hurt by these things. Whatever I did was either laughed at or a reason to be made to feel guilty. When my desires came upon me, I had no way of understanding what they were – the only way I could process these odd feelings was to feel ashamed and to do everything I could to hide them from everyone.

This extra layer of isolation made it difficult for me to have friends I could really confide in. I was deathly afraid they would laugh at me or think I was sick. I had school friends that I was relatively close to but no one who I could tell everything to. I certainly couldn’t tell anyone in my family. I tried to keep my mind occupied with different things – primarily, I would immerse myself in reading science fiction and fantasy books (at least two or three a week) or listening to music. Late at night when I couldn’t sleep, though, I would get up and take out a notebook I kept hidden away where I would write down those spanko thoughts in the form of little stories.

Eventually I discovered spanking magazines and the little film (and then video) booths down on 42nd Street and those became the way I scratched my itch.

I went through years of searching – through booze, sex and a string of failed vanilla relationships. I sometimes feel it was pure chance that let me explore my long held desires at this stage in my life but I’m very happy that the journey led me here. There’s certain satisfaction that comes from finding that something as real as what I have now existed at the end of the journey and realizing that there’s a whole other world waiting to be explored beyond. After a life out of sync with everything around me, I’m finally where I belong.

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21 Responses to “Chasing Rainbows”

  1. Great post Rad. And I can relate to quite a bit of it.

    I too was always a loner. Being a Sci-Fi / Fantasy geek didn’t help matters in the “popularity” department growing up either.

    The one place I found where I could be myself was the theater community. I seemed to fit in and learned that “I am who I am and the hell with the rest of you!” This is also where I got my love of role play, costuming and “dressing up.”

    I know it sounds incredibly cliche, but all the events of your past made you who you are today. And if you’re happy with that, then bravo!

    Welcome home.

    -D

  2. D: It’s strange to contemplate it but I know that I wouldn’t be the person that I am today nor in the place I am today if not for all the things that happened in my life leading up to this point. I don’t know if that mitigates the pain I went through but at least I’m happy now.

  3. Another cliche, but it also works for our little bit of kink:
    You’ve gotta go through the pain to appreciate the pleasure.

  4. I don’t remember when spanking became a strong interest but it was much later in life, probably late 20’s/early 30’s.

    The less said of childhood and school the better. In fact, I wasn’t there, it was different personalities.

    And I am very happy as well Rad.

  5. radagast Says:

    Brian: Glad to hear it. I’m all for this thing you earth people call “happiness”.

  6. Is that why spankos are so strange? We’re from space?

  7. Great post. Sorry about your childhood *big hugs*. I had the benefit of wonderful parents….but parents who would never understand my spanking fetish. I just remember being enamored with the whole idea…and it wasn’t until I realized my marriage was crumbling that I found out there were others who shared my spanking fetish and that I wasn’t some anomoly. Glad we have all found each other. Glad you are in a satisfying relationship that satisfies all your needs.

  8. radagast Says:

    Brian: I need guidance from my home planet before I can fully answer that question.

    Barb: After years of drifting along, I finally feel fulfilled in many ways. My marriage satisfies every need except for my craving for human flesh. However, that’s only a problem when the moon is full.

  9. klaatu barada nikto

  10. radagast Says:

    D: Nice try but the newer model also requires you to have a subcutaneous RFID tag as well.

  11. Rad…..full moon, huh? Something you’re not telling me?

  12. radagast Says:

    Barb: Not just you.

  13. Great post, babe. I know exactly what you mean. You know how horrible MY childhood was. I think it was my sexual repression that led to my initial explorations into being dominated. It was the only thing that would let me feel free. Then I just started liking and needing it all the time.

  14. sandy: Yeah, I know. I think that’s why we understood and “got” each other early on. A couple of broken kids who finally fixed themselves up as adults. Good for us.

  15. Great post. Sounds like my parents were reading from the same manual as yours – and backwoods, fundamentalist Indiana wasn’t the best place for opening up about such things unless you wanted an excorcism by the local tongue-talkers to drive the demons out. Wasn’t too tough to figure out that spanking turned me on, though – our school disctrict still used CP pretty regularly and as soon a female teacher even threatened a paddling I’d be stiff as a board. I worried about that tremendously – and escaped from it with the help of Sci-Fi, Fantasy, D & D, and computers. When I eventually decided to admit that portion of me was there and discovered others online I still had to fight that ingrained urge to “not talk about it.” Glad I got over it. 🙂

  16. What is it about us Sci-Fi / Fantasy geeks?
    Remember Chronicles of Gor anyone?

  17. Lol, D – yes. Swordfighting, insect-men, philosophy, and slave-girls. They’ve been re-printed, BTW – and someone told me there is a whole group of BDSM folks who base their practices on the series.

  18. All through high school I thought I was a alien prince trapped in the body of a pimply nerd and soon ‘they’ would come and retrieve me to save the galaxy. I blame seeing ‘Stars Wars’ 17 times. 🙂

    Didn’t have CP at school though, Wisconsin frowned on that. Just twisted paternal grandparents.

  19. radagast Says:

    Well, my parents tried to instill religion in me and I guess they did a heck of a job because it made me an atheist.

    As for science fiction and spanking: I have noticed an inordinate number of geeks that are into spanking – there seems to be a big crossover between sf/fantasy-Dungeons and Dragons and spanking/bdsm. Now if any of you can also add Progressive Rock to the mix, then it gets scary.

    Gor: I thought it was cool when I was in my late teens/early 20s. I read through book number 13 and noticed that they were getting heavier on the misogynistic philosophy and lighter on the action. Entire chapters devoted to Socratic dialogs regarding the enslavement of women are somewhat sleep-inducing. Plus, try picking one of them up now – they are so quite badly written. An editor was definitely needed there.

    BTW, I got to meet John Norman a couple of times at a local convention. Very nice, intelligent man but extremely bitter about what he sees as a feminist conspiracy made him lose his publishing contract. You just nod and be polite.

  20. I knew from 2nd grade that I was different. I remember reading a library book, (can’t remember the title) where the little boy Claude was spanked by his “Papa” until his bottom was as “red as a tomato”. That fueled my fantasies for years.

    It wasn’t until I went to college, and one of the girls on the hall had “Penthouse Forums” that had spanking letters that I realized that I wasn’t alone…and for those who care – that was in 1976. {{whoa!!!}}

  21. Yeah, what IS it with all the S-F geeks? I’d like to know…

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