Communicating What You Want

I know exactly what it is that I enjoy doing when I play and would like to know if I’m compatible with a potential partner as quickly as possible. The quickest way that I know is to simply ask.

Often when I see someone I would like to play with and have already gotten past the “Hello, I’m…” stage of the introduction and have some notion that they might not mind playing, I pointedly ask what it is that they like as far as a scene goes. I’ve gotten everything from detailed responses to an “I don’t know” as the person looks down at the floor seemingly embarrassed by the question. The former is easy because we can quickly set up a scene and know what we’re doing, the latter is near impossible unless I can drag something out of them in the ensuing conversation.

I know that for some people in the scene, what they’re doing is a private thing and they might still be a little bashful talking about it with a mere acquaintance. But if I’m going to play, which is a little more intimate than a “how ya doin'”, I don’t see how you can convey what it is you like unless you come out and say it. It’s like going to a restaurant and not saying anything but still expecting the meal you want to somehow appear on the table. That is not going to happen easily.

The direct approach is something I learned from Sandy early on. She is a great communicator when it comes to what it is she’s looking for in a scene. I have learned to do this from the other side in the hope that it will make things go smoothly. I need to know how I’ll be required to adjust my play style for a person or whether what they want is outside my comfort zone or area of expertise. If I’m going to be Daddy or Teacher or Boss or me or simply Guy With Hand & Arm, I need to adjust my brain to each of those very different things and communicating that from the bottom’s point of view is exactly the input I’m looking for.

Is asking for or communicating what it is you want something that bothers the readers?


20 Responses to “Communicating What You Want”

  1. Indiana Says:

    On the contrary, I think it’s essential. Unfortunately, I’m really not very good at it yet! Practice, practice, practice. 🙂


  2. radagast Says:

    Indy: What stops you from being able to communicate that?

  3. I’m still not able to communicate what I want. Joel knows now, intuitively, which is great, but I think in a way that has taken me away from a straight up answer.

    I know I can take a pretty hard spanking. But sometimes I am afraid to say that lest someone take that as a personal challenge.

  4. radagast Says:

    Laura: I’ve heard that more than once – that someone might take it as a challenge. Has this happened to you or to someone you know? Do you know any Tops that might see it as a challenge?

  5. I’ve had a couple of crappy scenes over the years where the top went on, because basically I let him. I was kind of young in the scene. And then for some reason, I let it happen again after that. So I am always nervous when playing with someone new, even tho it is someone I know fairly well and trust.

    Out of all the tops that I still want to play with (yourself included), I don’t think they would take it as a challenge. Hopefully they would take it as a clue or hint or something. Basically I guess, give me a decent warm up, don’t scare me and I’m good to go.

  6. radagast Says:

    Laura: But isn’t catching a fright part of the fun?

  7. The fright is part of the fun, yes, if you realize you are safe at the same time. I know, it sounds totally contradictory in that oxymoronical kind of way. It’s all related to communication. I don’t think I would play with someone I didn’t get to know fairly well prior to playing.

    Example: I didn’t mind those goofy upside down rollercoasters, because they have that crazy safety harness system to keep you in.

    Of course that was before I got older and felt like I needed a Chiropractor after each ride.

  8. radagast Says:

    Or until you learned that the safety inspector was drunk and on the take.

  9. Or until you read the abundant stories of the rollercoaster getting stuck on the track while it was in the upside down position.

  10. radagast Says:

    Bah, even better. The kid that jumped the fence as one of those hanging coasters was being tested. That’s one way to get a head in life.

  11. You are sick and twisted! Kinda like Joel. I knew there was a reason I liked you.

  12. radagast Says:

    Hey, I’m not the one who told the moron to jump the fence. He did the jumping and Darwin took care of the rest.

  13. Yeah. And of course the park is gonna get sued because jumper didn’t read the signs. Or didn’t know that he was gonna get decapitated just cause he jumped one teeeeeeny tiny fence or 2.

  14. I thought that I was good at conveying what I want – but then I went to TesFest, and attended a “Playing with Strangers” class, and met with a stranger, and thought that I conveyed who I was and what I want, and it was a fiasco! So, I’m not that good at conveying what I want. What I NEED! is someone like you, Rad, or someone like the Top I play with on a regular basis who can READ my body language…sometimes it’s hard for me to articulate what I want – and if my play partner can “read” me – it’s awesome. I know that it’s asking a lot – but why can’t all tops be like you and my Top? Read the Body Language. Deal is done!

  15. PS – I love the “fright” with a person that I know!

  16. radagast Says:

    Susan: Such nice words – I appreciate them.

    I don’t speak for all Tops or any Tops other than me. I have played with people who I felt no rapport with at all and the play was “OK” but nothing special. It was probably nothing special for the other person, too. I think the bottom in any spanking relationship or scene has to be able to convey what they desire in some way and often a good player does even if they don’t know they’re doing it. A “good” Top is merely someone who can pay attention and pick up the cues as they happen. That’s why I always compare a spanking scene to improv – the actors or musicians are listening to the other person and playing off of them not just thinking of the next thing they are scripted to do.

  17. Indiana Says:

    I completely agree with Laura about fright, roller coasters, and the effects of aging on riding them. Not so sure about the kid who jumped the fence…

  18. radagast Says:

    Indy: I’m sure…once your head is separated from your body, you’re dead.

  19. I think part of it is the cliche about women not wanting to have to ask. We think men should have some mind reading ability that they simply aren’t genetically endowed with (or so Floyd tells me…but he also says that about the male genetic code for fixing things around the house, so who knows).

    The thought of someone tailoring their play style to exactly what I want sort of squicks me out. I think that is what stops me from giving detailed answers about what I like. I want their input and their style to come through. It isn’t only women who have the spanking kink, and I’d rather find some middle ground so both people are getting what they want rather than someone changing themselves to become my fantasy spanker.

  20. radagast Says:

    dawna: I can understand what you’re saying but I think the reason I want this information communicated to me is that first and foremost, I want to see if my playing style is even compatible with the other person. If it isn’t at all, I can just say, “I don’t do stuff like that”, or some such thing and a bad scene can be avoided. I don’t see it as desiring to become a “fantasy spanker” but rather finding out which one of the many varieties of styles I’ll want to tap into to play with a particular person.

    If this makes any sense at all please repeat it back to me so I can understand what I just wrote.

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