Accepting Of Everyone? (Updated)

I’ve written about the fact that the scene is a much more open place when it comes to body type and looks. Here’s a bit of the flip side.

Simply put, I can’t like everyone. There are always going to be people I don’t want to play with or talk to or be around because, for lack of a better term, I just don’t. Most of the time when these feelings crop up it’s because a person’s personality grates on me – a personality clash that I can’t quite put my finger on but that does exist. I don’t really feel bad about this because no one can force themselves to like someone who rubs them the wrong way.

What I do feel bad about is when I don’t want to be around someone because I don’t find them attractive. I feel extremely guilty about this because I often am not concerned with looks. It could be a certain facial characteristic or a unique body type or bad teeth or a number of things – for some reason I just can’t ignore this one (or couple) of things. These people are not alone – they have friends and are active members of the scene but are just people I can’t seem to warm up to at all. This does not happen all the time – it’s actually quite rare but there it is.

I feel very crappy about thinking this way because of my own struggles accepting my own look. I don’t want to ostracize or scapegoat someone just because their “look” bothers me. It really makes me feel like a bad person – that I should go out of my way to see past the outside and to the person inside. Maybe it’s enough just to be cordial to them and leave it at that.


Someone contacted me by email and wondered if I wasn’t afraid I would be hurting someone’s feelings with this particular article. The fact is that what I wrote is not about anyone specific, certainly no one that’s a friend or acquaintance. It was merely a way to present the other side of the idea that we are all one big accepting family. The reality is that everyone has their own particular tastes – one person might find someone attractive and another finds them unattractive. What I was saying was that no matter how inclusive you try to be, there are always those people that it just won’t work with as far as you’re concerned.

Not trying to hurt feelings – just being honest.


11 Responses to “Accepting Of Everyone? (Updated)”

  1. Rad…I totally know what you mean!! Sometimes it is hard for me when people describe this scene as an “accepting family”…I mean I have met amazing people, but I have learned that people do have different tastes and what I have had to learn is that I need to just try to not take comments personally whether about looks, or how I like to play or people that I enjoy being with.

  2. radagast Says:

    I’m sure there are many reasons a person might not want to play with me, from play style to looks. Maybe a woman wants someone taller because that’s her thing – who knows. I just have to come to terms with the fact that I personally can’t be inclusive of every single person out there and not to feel guilty about that.

  3. I’m agreeing with both of you. I don’t like the family descriptor of the scene. Thank goodness I only have one family. That is hard enough to deal with sometimes. The spanking scene is an escape and should be enjoyable, not fraught tension.

    Shadowlane parties are so big. There is no way one is going to be compatible with everyone. Find your circle. Just spanking is a connector but it is just one thing. I love the discussions beyond that. Books, movies, food, music, comedy, sumo (you get my drift) bring people together.

    At the end of the day, arms and bottoms are tired and worn. It’s great when there are other things to do and talk about.

    Sorry, Rad. I rambled yet again. Sunday morning hazard.

  4. radagast Says:

    Laura: Just last night Sandy and I went to small party of kinky folk and had a very good time. Although we did play, it was great just sitting there having real discussions with real people. Whenever I can have conversations about bondage photography AND Jazz, it’s a good time.

  5. I really like what Laura wrote: “Find your circle.” I see the circle expanding and contracting and expanding again over time. It really comes down to who you like to talk to, who has similar interests. One guy I played with last night is a HUGE conservative that I completely disagree with politically, but as long as he doesn’t open his mouth about politics, he’s fun to play with, is good with bondage and single tail. So it’s not always sharing similar interests; sometimes it’s purely play style. But mostly, it’s finding people you like overall. There are some who MAY be perfectly nice people but they simply turn me off, appearance wise — may be a body type, may be that they dres sloppily, maybe they’re just too old (and I’ve played with people probably in their mid-70s, possibly 80s, so I do have a wide spectrum — but won’t play with someone who seems too frail or… um… senile).

  6. radagast Says:

    sandy: I totally agree and when looking back at all the comments can really add nothing else.

  7. I’m laughing a little, as I described the first spanking party I went to as kind of like family reunion. It was small, and people were warm, welcoming and protective of me whether or not I had anything else in common with them. There was also the equivalent of the smattering of strange cousins from out of town that I always seek out at real family reunions. I agree with Laura and Rad that spending time in conversation with fellow spankos with whom you have other things in common is the best. The hour or so I spent around the table with Rad, Sandy, Laura & friends is one of my fondest memories of the FM party.

  8. You can’t help how you feel. It is natural. I’d be hard pressed to believe someone who denied such a feeling. It is not something we choose. I think we are wired to like certain types, and not be so interested in others (and it can be subject to brain and personality of course). Could be genetics working on that whole “survival of the species” thing and nothing to do with pounds or hair color or length of lap.

    I dated a few guys with curly blond hair. I married a guy who was a wavy brunette. I dated two guys who were way taller than myself. Jon is my height or a bit more on good days. I guess I did not have a “type” that could be easily defined and selected.

    I’m very extroverted, yet even I can’t be friends with or play with everyone. Nor would I wish to. I’m open to expanding the circle as Sandy said, and feel LUCKY to have been included in certain preexisting circles. I hate that we are so far away from each other, and grateful that we have the Internet and WWW and email and all that good stuff to tide us over until the next time we play Wii Bowling or talk books or movies or get to play.

  9. radagast Says:

    OK, I lied, I can add one more thing.

    Looks are important to a certain degree but personality always trumps looks. The combination of the two is a slam dunk.

  10. Sometimes I think that looks might be the initial attraction. I think it’s natural to be drawn to someone who is good looking – kind of like a pretty painting. But looks are deceiving – sometimes the better looking the person, the uglier they are on the inside – not always, but sometimes. The thing that gets me is eyes. Warm brown eyes, bright crinkly blue eyes, soul-searching grey eyes…the eyes do it everytime. I’m seldom disappointed if I look at a person’s eyes, and like what I see. A pretty face can be nice, but eyes are windows to the soul and the character – and I haven’t been wrong yet.
    Love the “nicer” picture, Rad!

  11. radagast Says:

    I’m often drawn to a person’s face – I like seeing lots of character in it as opposed to some generic looking plastic model who could be any model at all.

    I figured the nicer picture would frighten less readers away.

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