Little Relapses

I try to be as aware as I can about myself and my moods. This includes an increasing awareness of when bad or negative thoughts creep into my head and what I can do to stop them.

As “together” as I try to be these days, there are times when the old thoughts rear their ugly heads. Insecurity, jealousy, envy, resentment, paranoia – these are all the creeping killers of the psyche and of a proper perspective on life. I recently had one of those days and it made me angry at myself afterwards for letting things get that far.

One of the triggers of the bad thoughts is when I think someone is trying to play oneupmanship with me – trying to imply that they are better than me and thereby making me feel inadequate. In scene terms, it’s when someone in a room acts like they are the Top of Tops, offering advice about what you should do when none was solicited. My paranoid mind says that they are trying to put themselves above me in some hierarchy and trying to “lord” it over me somehow. I bristle and this turns into anger which ruins my day further. I have to realize that the people who irritate me like this are either merely joking around in a friendly way or perhaps they really are rude – in that case I won’t be the only person to notice it.

One of the things I’ve been working on recently is trying to catch myself before I let these feelings affect me. Honestly, I have only been partially successful in this endeavor. The positive thing is that I’ve been able to recognize the cause and effect of why I feel a certain way a lot faster than I used to. Once upon a time I would just sit there and let it all fester – get worse and worse until the original irritant was forgotten and all that was left was the bad mood. I think shortening the time I actually feel bad will get me to the point where I can finally avoid sinking into negativity in the first place.

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6 Responses to “Little Relapses”

  1. I HATE those creepy thoughts that get into my head too. They are different ones but they manifest the same feelings. I have to say as a bottom….umm the more a Top talks and advises other Tops the more I want to walk away and the more I find myself wanting to stand next to someone like you 🙂

  2. radagast Says:

    It’s not that I’m safe in any way, it’s just that I can barely advise myself.

  3. Oh nnnooo….well I think you’re safe…so call me crazy…lots of people do!!

  4. radagast Says:

    Thanks for the vote of confidence. It’s obvious that I’ve fooled you as well.

  5. I too struggle with not letting bad feelings overcome me – and yes – it is a struggle. I go along for a while feeling really good, and then for whatever reason, something happens that sets me off, and I have the bad feelings which make me feel crummy – which I don’t like.
    I need to figure out a way to fight the crummy feelings BEFORE they overwhelm me…any ideas?

  6. radagast Says:

    Susan: Like I said above, I think it’s just a matter of inching forward in recognizing the feelings and then doing my best to shove them aside and just be me. The recent bad feelings did not last long because having gone through a months long period of depression at the end of last year/beginning of this year, I realized what I was going through and didn’t let it overwhelm me again.

    Heading it off before it happens will be a neat trick if I can do it.

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