Vanilla Life/Kinky Life

Does anyone have a tough time keeping them separate? Is there any crossover?

I have only one vanilla friend who knows about my kinky life. Actually, she’s my ex and I also have the added bonus that she works in the same office as me. The breakup was not acrimonious and we’re still friends but I especially lucked out because if there was any one person you wanted to tell a secret to, my ex is it. If anyone can keep a secret and not feel the need to gossip, it’s her. I can only imagine what would have happened if the breakup had been nastier and with someone not so decent.

Other than her, there is no one else that I know who is aware of my kinky life – no family member, no friend or acquaintance – no one (I hope). The thing is, I have no desire to tell them. There is no need in me, no itch, that pushes me towards revealing that sort of private thing. I don’t feel compelled in any way to get something off my chest with anyone. I have a relationship with them that does not cross over into the one I have with my kinky friends – and I prefer keeping it that way. I’m very good at compartmentalizing.

The only times in my life when the edges sometimes touch are those moments when I meet someone and I have an inkling that they might be kinky. It’s often something they say that comes across as scene jargon that gives me a feeling that I might want to push the edges a bit and see if they really are kinky. Most of the time, that feeling passes quickly.

The thing that I find most interesting is that I’m pretty sure that I have developed and maintain much deeper relationships with my kinky friends than I do my vanilla ones. The fact that I can be the kinky “me” and the vanilla “me” to the same person is a very liberating thing and allows the opportunity to be more authentic than I perceive I’m behaving in the vanilla world.

I’m sure that Clark was relieved to finally let Lois know the truth. It’s a good thing to have people you can be yourself around.


16 Responses to “Vanilla Life/Kinky Life”

  1. I felt compelled, for safety, to tell one of my sisters the night before I first played. She was cool about it. More curious then anything. A few others know as well. People that won’t blab.

    And really, how could Lois have NOT figured Clark out, being the ace reporter she was? That detail has always troubled me.

  2. radagast Says:

    Too many attempts at trying to explain how Clark fooled people with a pair of glasses and a blue suit. I think Christopher Reeve portrayed it as well as you could by affecting a higher pitched voice, slumped shoulders and general ineptitude that might make people say, “Him? That’s Superman? Ha-ha-ha”.

    Batman is an easier explanation not just because of the disguise but because no one could imagine a playboy like Bruce Wayne doing what Batman does.

    Why the fuck am I talking about this? I’m a total geek!

  3. Nah, not a total geek. Well, you do have that sci fi thing going too. Hmmm… Now that I am married to a comic/sports geek I have a broader appreciation for all things comic. I had no idea Abomination existed prior to seeing Hulk yesterday. And to think I went all this time not knowing…

    You are right about Christopher Reeve.

  4. radagast Says:

    You had no idea Abomination existed? Then you didn’t see the Ang Lee version of the Hulk – now that was an abomination.

  5. No. Didn’t see that one. It was probably pre-Joel. And he concurs about the abomination thing.

    I remember thinking that I didn’t see how Ang Lee + Hulk would translate to the screen. Turns out it didn’t.

  6. radagast Says:

    Ang Lee thought he was making a film rather than a movie. Slouching Director, Hidden Audience.

  7. Funny! Surely there is an audience for one line movie reviews.

  8. radagast Says:

    One line movie reviews…hmm.

  9. How apropos – I was just showing Vanilla hubby the map to TesFest – we were curious about 287 (don’t ask – boring married stuff), and I showed him the route that Google Maps suggested, and he said (be still my heart) “stand up and bend over the desk – I want to get you started on the right foot”. He proceeded to smack my jeans-clad bottom, until he said “OK – drop them!” Well, I don’t need to be asked twice after over a month of no spanking, so I dropped the jeans, and then he took the panties down and proceeded to spank me until I had a “redass”. (For some reason, he loves to say “redass, redass, Suzy has a redass”). It’s the first time in SEVEN MONTHS that the (vanilla) man has shown any interest in my bottom! Needless to say, I was thrilled. It’s pretty awesome when your partner of 28 years still has the power to surprise you – and redden (is that a word?) your butt.

    My scene Top wants me to tell my best friend about my predilection. I just can’t do it. No matter how many times she tells me that her S/O says that she’s a “naughty girl” (they are in their 50’s), I just can’t jeopardize the friendship I have with her by telling her that I’m into spanking, with other men, and that hubby has minimal interest.

    Scene Top tells me I’m disobedient – Scene me respectfully refutes said allegations…I just don’t want to jeopardize 24 years of friendship with one slip of the tongue!

  10. radagast Says:


    My concerns regarding people knowing about the kinky side of my life have less to do with my concern with what they’ll think or whether I’ll lose their friendship and more to do with the fact that I think there are people who don’t need to know my business. They are not in the circle of people who “need to know” anything about my life beyond what I tell them. If they found out somehow and were disturbed about it enough to dissolve our friendship, then it would frankly be no skin off my nose unless they decided to use that information against me. That would be a mistake.

    Glad you enjoyed your spanking and here’s to an enjoyable time at TESFest.

  11. 1. What is abomination?
    2. Vanillas have no need to know about my scene life, or my sex life.
    3. Susan, I’m glad your vanilla husband took interest and gave you some of what you need! I’m with you on not telling your vanilla best friend about the scene. The trick is, why does your scene Top want you to tell? To demonstrate his control over you? To maybe find out if she wants a spanking because he likes her? In the end, there is NO REASON to tell unless you are looking for a vicarious thrill out of telling, out of the friend’s reaction, or hoping for a new partner. It will most likely end poorly, and then where are you? Some people feel the need to wave a flag or announce this to the world. I am not one of them. I keep my secrets, and don’t feel my vanilla relationships suffer by that loss, or would benefit from the knowledge.

  12. Thanks, Dolly. That’s how I feel. My friend really doesn’t need to know, and I REALLY don’t want to tell her. Case Closed.

  13. Indiana Says:

    Rad, I’ve only found your blog tonight, and it’s just terrific! It’s especially nice to hear thoughtful commentary from a male top– not very many seem to choose this kind of blogging style.

    I think Dolly hit the key point for me about being “out” to vanilla friends. It only seems natural to be out to vanilla friends with whom you are close enough to talk about your sex life. I am out to several good vanilla friends, but I have no desire to be out to family. On the other hand, I had a rather awkward conversation with my parents when they called my cell phone to see if my house was flooded during the FMS party. I’m sure they weren’t buying the half-truths about what I was doing in Florida and I suspect they think I’m having an affair or something. 🙂

    I’m not usually particularly private, so these little deceptions bother me. I don’t see a solution to that problem, though, except to get used to it with practice.

  14. radagast Says:


    Thanks for the compliments – I appreciate them.

    I agree with Dolly as well but personally have no problem living separate lives and being deceptive to different parts of it as the need arises.

    I learned deception early in my life. Growing up under the rule of my parents was like having Big Brother in your face every minute of every day. I could not watch TV, read a book, listen to music, have friends or make a joke without it being criticized as somehow unacceptable to them. So I learned to sneak everything including the science fiction I was reading and the music I was listening to. Keeping my kinky life from my vanilla friends is par for the course for me.

  15. My best friend was/is someone that I shared everything with. My life has taken many twists and turns and she has already been a part of them. So after awhile, I did tell her and it was a big mistake. I wish I had talked to someone in the scene about it first…sometimes I fall into the “complete” honesty trap and I am not thinking of what is best for me. Sometimes a common theme for me. Some of my scene friends I do feel close to…but even with some of them they don’t understand some of my vanilla life stuff…so…it can be complex and difficult.

  16. radagast Says:

    bella: I’ve done the honesty thing too about a good many things and have lost some friends because of it. It hurts but I’m not going to blame myself for it – it’s on them.

    I try to be as accepting of people as possible and sometimes that means trying to understand things about them that I don’t quite get. In the end, I do my best. If someone feels the need to say goodbye because of what I am or who I am then, for lack of a better term, screw ’em.

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